**it Happens. Sure. But it shouldn't happen here...

I don't know who needs to hear this, but I am not a pet owner. To paraphrase young Alison Reed, "I don't have a dog. I don't have a cat. I don't have a pet." She followed that up with no brother or sister either, none of which - including a pet unless you count a short-lived fish from the fair - we ever blessed her with.

We're clear? We do not have a pet.

Why, then, am I repeatedly finding what I suspect is dog poop in my yard? On my driveway. In both front and back yards. In two different window wells. 

Now, I'm no expert on excrement. I rejoiced when we finally said goodbye to diapers and I will forever hold dear Miss Debbie and the rest of the Day Nursery team who helped Alison learn to deal with her own bodily creations.

I didn't enjoy the diaper yeas. I don't even like dealing with poop when I'm the one producing it.  And I certainly don't spread it around the neighborhood. 

This is not the rando pooper; just an illustration.

I like animals. I would never intentionally harm one. But that doesn't mean I want to live with one and be responsible for dealing with its bodily creations. Not wanting to deal with animal poop is one of the top 5 reasons I don't have a pet.

And I consider dealing with your pet's poop to be a top priority no matter what kind of pet you have. You have to feed them, house them, keep them healthy, love them and take ownership of whatever they create or attract - poop, drool, vomit, fleas, ticks, hairballs, you name it. Whatever they produce is on you, man.

I have kept an eye out for the pooper but to no avail. I mean, I think it's from a dog. It looks like dog poop. Smells like dog poop. I haven't had it tested, but it's definitely not a product of the people who live in my house. (And yes, I did ask.)

I'm not sure what my remedies are. I mean, this creature doesn't have a favorite spot. It pumps its disgusting wads out all over the place. I'd need 16 cameras to cover the places it's pooped already. 

The first time it used a window well, I'll tell you I paused. And I did wonder if the Captain was f-ing with me. I'm 95 percent sure it's not him. He's diabolical, but I don't know where he'd source the poop.

Also not the rando pooper.

I'm considering an approach that would involve the neighborhood that could get me tossed off the Block Captain list. 

I'm thinking of asking one of the neighborhood families with toddlers to see if they'll give me some of their offsprings' poops. I'll drop little "gifts" around the local yards until the owner of this rando dog starts keeping it off my lawn.

What do you think? It's the last resort, I think. Most of my neighbors are highly responsible dog owners. Could it be a feral animal? Why don't I ever catch it in the act? I'm home a lot.

I need ideas. Ones that won't involve me touching anymore poop. Oh, and if you're reading this and you have a suspect, I'm all ears. I don't actually need to know who it was. As long as it stops. Please make it stop.

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