That time I almost got arrested in Meijer
If you don't already know, the grocery can be a dangerous place. The other day, for example, Jeff and I de decided to brave the somewhat bitter cold and walk to Meijer on Keystone. It's not that far and we didn't need much, plus, we'd been slugs.
So off we trot. We got separated in the store because Jeff is like a bargain bloodhound. He puts his nose down and doesn't stop until he's sniffed down every aisle searching for a great bargain. It's good for our budget, but I get bored. So I wandered off thinking he'd be easy to find.
It's possible I was distracted. Or maybe delirious from the cold weather walk. In any case, I spy him up ahead, just north of the eggs and on the edge of the liquor section. He's focused on his phone, no doubt trying to determine if that sale price on whatever bottle has caught his eye is really a bargain.
I sneaked up on him in my best impression of Elmer Fudd hunting wabbits, minus the gun. I have my hand out. I inch closer, congratulating myself already for being super fun. A nanosecond before I cup his nether region, I look closer.
It's not the Captain.
I veer to right, tuck my head down and flee down the aisle, hooking a right at the crackers and keep on going, my heart pounding like it's going to jump right into the frozen foods.
Whether that guy would have become my best friend or if he would have called the cops, the world will never know. But there's a 6-foot-2-ish Jeff Reed doppleganger out there who missed a Sunday morning he wouldn't soon forget.
I spent the next 20 minutes sitting on my hands on a bench up at the front where I was joined by a nice lady who serenaded me with all kinds of hip hop songs. She didn't want to talk; just sing. I felt like listening politely was the least I could do.
When the real Captain eventually showed up, I confessed. He was sad for the other guy and thrilled that I'd almost committed a crime.
I'm never going to the grocery with him again.
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